Last week I came across this
blog via a friend commenting
about it on Facebook. I recognized her name and then the name of her blog
"Still not pregnant" was enough for me to want to read about her journey. I went to high school with Molly and if you read about
her you'll find that she has sadly suffered through 3 miscarriages and 5 failed
IUI attempts (Carri has had 2 failed IUI's). As I was reading through some of
her posts late one night this particular
post resonated with me as I have often
wondered what to say, what not to say to Carri.
This is an excerpt from her post, part of it is written by a
friend of hers and the other part is her own words:
{So if you have a friend going through infertility, whether
they are being treated or not, here is a great guideline for how to be a better
friend to them. It's a hard (and thin) rope to walk on, and I know (those with
infertility) don't always make it easy (I am especially guilty).
So in the answer to the question, "how to do you want
people to treat you or what do you want people to say to you" - within the
regards of infertility (before you find success and have kids) - here are some ideas.......
Here's what NOT to do/say:
don't try to hide
things to "protect" her
don't mention how
lucky she is that she gets to sleep in or not get woken up in the night, deal
with tantrums, etc.
don't tell her how
great it is that she gets to travel (if she does)
don't tell her
that pregnancy is horrible and she's lucky she doesn't have to experience it
no unsolicited
advice is necessary, i.e.: don't think
about it & it will happen; just relax; don't drink/eat _______; try
acupuncture; try this position; do a cleanse; maybe you should lose some
weight, etc.
have you thought
about adoption?
You CAN say things projecting into the future with a
positive spin like when she gets pregnant
You're going to be
the best mom/best parents
you'll be so
appreciative
you'll know not to
take them for granted
You can say things like "it's not fair," etc. But it's not fair for anyone. You wouldn't wish infertility on anyone,
except teenage drug users. :) You can tell her that you have another dear
friend that struggled for years with infertility, and now she has 3 kids...
that's at least hopeful. :)
It's just a bum deal, and don't feel the pressure of coming
up with the perfect thing to say to her, because there isn't one. Honestly, there's not much to say, except be
honest and be brief, and follow her lead.
If she wants to talk, let her talk.
If she doesn't, best not to bring it up.
Often just the mention of the issue can bring tears, and sometimes, all
you want to do is have a moment when you're not thinking about it. Church is hard, baby showers are hard, kids'
birthday party invites are hard, sometimes driving in the car and hearing a
song on the radio is hard--she probably fights back tears daily. She just needs honest, empathetic friends. The only thing that will really heal her
sadness is a baby, and you have no control over that.
There isn't one thing that I remember being that special
"aha" that made me feel better.
But people who hugged me, let me cry, and told me that they knew God had
kids waiting to be mine, somehow, someway, helped comfort me. It wasn't until I lost Wyatt (at 20 weeks
along) that I didn't care how babies came to me. That usually takes some serious
soul-searching and heartache to come to that conclusion. But my own advice, that I came to on my own,
was that God had a plan of happiness for me and my family, and that no matter
how babies came to me, I would love them, and cherish them, and I would be
happy.
All in all, be a friend. Share. Be happy. Be joyful -
especially when your own family is experiencing joy. But try, just try to be
mindful. We don't expect people to get it right all the time. Heck, it's a lot
to ask of people, and for that, we apologize. I know I don't intend to be
difficult or push people away. It's a defense mechanism. I am protecting myself
from the hurt, the want, the desire to have what others have. I have always
been happy for those around me, those who have gotten pregnant and had babies -
I don't wish my hardships on anyone else. It breaks my heart when others have
to experience what I have had to experience. I don't want a medal for my
trials. I just want support. We (any who have been in my shoes) just want to
know we are supported, thought of and loved.
In the end, we just want what you already have. And until we get it, we
will always be a little extra sensitive to the fact that we don't have it -
yet.
So, if you have a friend that might be struggling. Wrap your
arms around them and just be there. It means the world to us.}
Admittedly I am guilty of committing at least one of the
no-no's. When I got pregnant with Macy I didn't tell her for a week that I was
pregnant because I just didn't want to cause her sadness. It really hurt her
that I wasn't honest with her and of course she was really happy for me.
Infertility is a delicate subject and I can't really begin to understand what
Carri and others are going through. The only glimpse I have had into it is a
very small period of 3 months between having a miscarriage and getting pregnant with Ayla.
All I could think about (literally every second) after having my miscarriage
was wanting a baby. I can't imagine that feeling multiplied by even a little
because it was so awful. I wish there was a way to take all that pain away for
people but that's why we have the Father, He can take it away and give hope,
comfort, and love.
The good news is that Molly just underwent IVF and has just
found out that she is pregnant! She may have one or two little ones in there.
We'll be praying that the pregnancy continues to be a success!
As for Carri and Milo, they are preparing to undergo another
IUI treatment soon. What this means is that medication will have to be taken
for several weeks beforehand. So that's where they are right now. They have
been busy with their house that they bought at the beginning of the year and an
exchange student from Yemen that is living with them through June. I need to
get down there and see them and their new place but first I need to start
pricing and tagging my garage full of stuff for the Just Between Friends sale
that's coming up very soon :) All the money made from this will go into the
Barefoot and Pregnant Fund for Carri. I'm still taking donations for the sale
up through Friday if you're interested (for more information read more about it
here).
Thanks everyone! Have a good night :)
*If you'd like to make a cash donation for Carri just click
on the "Donate" button on the upper right side of this blog or contact me.
